Janeite Jar

One of the best things that had happened to me was the crash of my first laptop in the middle of my PhD. It meant I had to get a new one. (Computer, not degree.) One that came with a free e-reader, a Barnes & Noble Nook. Said Nook held a free book. The book was Pride and Prejudice.

I recall no plans to read it. I had already tried it in undergraddom and had quit speedily when in the third or fourth chapter the first ball came on. It was the silliest fiction I had encountered. Later, I nodded enthusiastically when P. G. Wodehouse wondered: "How do you feel about literary classics? I have come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me, because I can't read them. I tried Jane Austen and was bored stiff...". But now it was a rainy Eugene night at the bus stop, and the Nook was in my bag, so why not while away the wait with whatever prose was at hand? It was a mild surprise to find pith and wit -- which I had missed in the first round -- in the dialogue of Chapter 1. Over the ensuing weeks the gentle pull of the goings-on at Hertfordshire kept me coming back, though progress was adiabatically slow and intentions of finishing it were none. By the time my Nook was stolen at Salem in a bus from Chennai to Tirupur, I had built enough interest in the characters to compensate with a hard copy -- albeit in no hurry. There seemed to be no plot, after all.

What I then hadn't the foggiest of was that this was the most explosive novel I was to be amongst. That I would rate it the greatest story ever told. That I would read and re-read and re-read nothing else over the next year, plumbing further and further to locate its bottom and always coming up empty-handed (as I still am). That, in short, it would save and make me. That each of my next six years would be marked by an Austen -- by design, for the finest wine must be taken by the littlest of sips. That Miss Austen had wrought in Emma and Mansfield Park monuments equal to Pride and Prejudice. That I would be channeling her in writing physics papers. That visiting her house in Chawton would be the acme of my 2024.

Enough, then, about me and Jane. Let us talk about Jane and me.   

Hook, line, and barrel

Have we been getting our tricolons wrong? Consider:

Lies, damn lies, and countrymen.
#politics

Friends, Romans, Superman.
#bernardshaw

A bird, a plane, a canal -- Panama.
#airlines

A man, a plan, a band of brothers.
#battleready

We few, we happy few, conquered.
#300

I came, I saw, I bought the T-shirt.
#caesarspalace

Been there, done that, got guide. 
#wanderlust

Friend, philosopher, and location.
#roadmovie

Location, location, and the pursuit of happiness.
#frommers

Life, liberty, and everything nice.
#unalienable

Sugar, spice, love.
#romance

Eat, pray, for the people.
#priesthood

Of the people, by the people, and the ugly.
#alcoholicsanonymous

Good, bad, and blue.
#cops

Red, white, and statistics.
#bowling

Skullworms

Below is my personal reboot sequence that is to be read out loud in case of a memory wipe. Thank you.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast; man never is, but always to be blest. Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers. Whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy. We'll always have Paris. What did you bring that book that I don't like to be read to out of about Down Under up for? Here's a science-fiction film that's an insult to the words “science” and “fiction,” and the hyphen in between them. Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence. From this proposition it will follow, when arithmetical addition has been defined, that 1 + 1 = 2. We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Before you start getting above yourself, it may interest you to learn that I know all about Eulalie. How many ages hence shall this our lofty scene be acted over in states unborn and accents yet unknown. Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest? In case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

R.I.P., Higgs

I heard that a mass will be held after which the cemetery will be broken and a gold stone placed.

[Statement from U. of Edinburgh.]  

[An old clerihew.] 

Baahu Selvan, Ponniyin Bali

ஒற்றுமையை கண்டீரா? இரண்டுமே ஆற்றில் குழந்தையாக காப்பாற்ற பட்டு, கஸினையும் நாசரையும் எதிர்த்து, சிம்மாசனத்தில் ஒரு குடும்பத்தை "குந்தவை"க்க முயலும் கதை. ஒன்று மணிரத்னம் என்றால் மற்றொன்று மரகதமணி. என்ன, ஒன்று historical fiction, மற்றொன்று fictional history. அதாவது இது கல்கி கதை, அது "கல் கி கஹானி".
இன்னும் சொல்ல போனால்: இக்கதை ஒரு பொன்னியின் செல்வன், அக்கதை ஒரு சிவகாமியின் சபதம்.

Now Screening

Guess the movie. It's hidden in the clue.
E.g., clue: If you don't halt it an iceberg will hit it.
Answer: TITANIC (If you don't hal TITANIC eberg will hit it).

1. Everyone on that bus peed in their pants, perhaps.

2. An ogre's wish rekindled.

3. "M, should I take the shot? It's a risky fall."

4. As an introvert I go down, down, down.

5. War of retro years.

6. It's gone too far! Got to end the madness.

(2 titles here.)

7. Family is loco company.

8. Backwards play you the pianoforte, nettled become I. 

Julius Caesar from Memory

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.
Caesar
How now! I wouldst thou couldst.
Soothsayer 
Beware the ides of March.
Caesar
Prithee, a tide in the lives of men, which taken at the flood, slings them on to outrageous fortune.
Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.
Caesar 
Come now, Cassius, a Rome by any other name hath fewer tramps and more Caesar.

(then on 15 Mar)

Caesar 
Forsooth! What sayst thou now? The ides of March are come, and methinks I be still here.
Soothsayer
Aye, they are come, but not gone.

(later at the Senate steps)

Cassius 
Speak, hands for me! [Everyone stabs.]
Caesar 
Et tu, Brute? Then fall Caesar. [Dies.]

(later)

Antony
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
And I sully not Brutus' name, for Brutus is an honourable man.
All the world's a stage, and we merely players, but
To be or not to be, that is the question.
Caesar, Caesar, wherefore art thou Caesar?
How do I not praise thee? Let me count the ways.
The fault, Brutus, lies not in our stars,
But mum's the word, for Brutus is an honourable man.
Get thee to a nunnery, for all that glisters is not gold,
And jealousy is a green-eyed monster.
Marry, hell hath no fury like a Roman scorned,
Nigh uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
His kingdom for a horse! There are more things in heaven and earth,
Octavius, than nothing that will come of nothing.
But Brutus is an honourable man.
O Caesar! Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Nay, now is the winter of our discontent.
Frailty, thy name is Mark Antony, woe is me,
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a thankless child!
The Senate doth protest too much, methinks,
For Caesar was an honourable man,
For Caesar is an honourable man!
Aye, aye, away, away!

Nolanheimer

Without giving away big spoilers:

The story of a star scientist and his interstellar connections, whose central tenet is tested following the inception of a mega-project; its memento was not the prestige he sought but insomnia.

[Count all 7?]

A ;ial moment

It has come to light that on this day 76 years ago, shortly after hearing Tryst With Destiny on the radio at the Viceroy's bungalow, Lord Mountbatten made the following impromptu remarks.

That damn fine speech _s the end of our :ial . here as we | down and / our numbers and hand over ,nd and — the hell out of here before they ( and # us thank you very much 

Note Well

 The teachings of ஆத்திசூடி that down the ages ring.

ஆறுவது சினம். Rage is like a river.
ஈவது விலக்கேல். Do not swat away flies.
ஐயமிட்டு உண். Add "I am" before "yours".
ஓரம் சொல்லேல். Enunciate.
ஒளவியம் பேசேல். Refrain from quoting Ouvaiyar.
ஙப் போல் வளை. Practise the cat-and-cow pose.
சனி நீராடு. Try aquatics on Saturn.
(நீர் விளையாடேல். But, as a rule, avoid it.)
தந்தை தாய்ப் பேண். Beware of lice on parents.
பருவத்தே பயிர் செய். Cook your lentils while still adolescent.
மண் பறித்து உண்ணேல். Avoid a sandy diet.
இளமையில் கல். "Rock in youth", meaning "You can't haul bricks when old."
கடிவது மற. Forget bad jokes.
கிழமைப்பட வாழ். Live so you may one day be senior.
கேள்வி முயல். "Inquisitive rabbit": look out for the Bunny that Bugs.
கொள்ளை விரும்பேல். Forsake horse gram.
கெளவை அகற்று. Shun beef.
சித்திரம் பேசேல். Art is dumb.
சேரிடம் அறிந்து சேர். Test the swamp before stepping in.
சையெனத் திரியேல். Loiter, but do not sigh while at it.
தூக்கி வினை செய். Lift weights.
தையல் சொல் கேளேல். Question the tailor.
நன்மை கடைப்பிடி. Hold on to good business.
நைவினை நணுகேல். Learn to tell among the 3 Tamil "na"s.
நூல் பல கல். "Thread many stones" -- find a way through.
நொய்ய உரையேல். Stop pestering.
பூமி திருத்தி உண். Fast until you've changed the world.
பெரியாரைத் துணைக் கொள். Join the Dravidian movement.
போர்த் தொழில் புரியேல். Quit a boring career.
மேன்மக்கள் சொல் கேள். Tolerate mansplaining.
மொழிவது அற மொழி. Speak up if even half-fluent.
வித்தை விரும்பு. Eat the seeds.
வீடு பெற நில். Stand your ground with the realtor.
(பீடு பெற நில். Even if they're Bengali.)
வெட்டெனப் பேசேல். Do not suggest home remedies for a pet's illness.

If needed, whitely add a complacent drop of milk

 A transferred epithet is a literary device that sneaks a human adjective next to an inanimate noun, like a "sleepless night" that follows "greedy portions" at a "tense dinner". Or like "human adjective" and "inanimate noun".

Us epithet transferrers, our happy days run different.

We silence the startled alarm clock. We squeeze sleepy toothpaste. But sipping a shot of coffee, even an indifferent one, gets us jumping on an optimistic treadmill. Then again at the other end, right before we turn off the jaded lights and hit a yawning pillow,  we do the nostalgic dishes staring out the window, and curl up with a pleased P. G. Wodehouse. In between, the tugs are many: reluctant meetings, inattentive television, and the guilt of unread browser tabs. Our pens may lack imagination and our chairs may be restless, but these are amid walls youthful under a roof united.

Sure, impatient leftovers are reheated, forgetful appointments not booked, and outright drunken noodles sometimes spilt on some clumsy article of clothing. But there's always the post-nap afternoon, that time when we feel up to making the transfer both ways. In particular, there's the moment in which we aromatically stir our smiling teacup and suck viscously the absent-minded spoon of honey.

------

See also:

The Transferred Epithet in P. G. Wodehouse

https://www.jstor.org/stable/4177754

May the 4th

 To be sung to tune of The Imperial March.

-------

Make way for Lord of Men, Darth Vader.

Darth Vader -- here he comes, make a bow.

He has scarcely a lower jaw,

But once froze his son-in-law --

You all rather be well-behaved.

Unless you are a mannequin,

You don't call him Anakin,

And then your windpipe may be saved. 

Casting 19th Century Scientists

 

Walls Have Mouths

 Sometimes the universe folds in on itself.

Some time later he sent the mural.

Parse under the yoke

Walruses that foxes tease taunt ostriches in their turn.
Walruses foxes tease taunt ostriches.
Fish that deer tease taunt sheep in their turn.
Fish deer tease taunt sheep.
Berlin fish Tokyo deer tease taunt Cairo sheep.
Berlin fish Tokyo deer tease tease Cairo sheep.
Berlin fish Tokyo deer buffalo buffalo Cairo sheep.
Berlin buffalo Tokyo buffalo buffalo buffalo Cairo buffalo.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

You're welcome.

Missive to Morpheus

As written a few years back. 

Dear dream-making studio in my brain,

 (a) Yes, I spent 14 years at SBOA. But it's been 14 years since. I no longer need to worry about preparing for XII Std board exams. Every stressful life situation is not some sequel to that dumb event.

  (b) If I make a friend, don't dress them in blue uniform and put them in my class.

 (c) The school never gets so much rain that the football field turns into a giant swimming pool. Be more realistic.

 (d) Floating over the Sports Day parade was amazing! More of these!

 (e) Perhaps not your department, but please tell whoever's responsible that when I reminisce about school they do not have to play morning assembly music in the background.

Yours sincerely,

Upstairs

Neeraj Chopra Cricket Facts

We all know that Usain Bolt was a cricketer first before his coach, noting his manic running on the field, suggested a change of career. Much less known is how Neeraj Chopra took a similar, er, trajectory. Here were the early signs for all to see.

+ As a fielder, he often gave away overthrows, which sometimes went for a six. Once whilst fielding by the ropes someone from the top-most stand threw a water bottle at him. He threw it right back at them.

+ As a bowler, he insisted on everyone calling him the "spearhead" of the attack. He was obsessed with hitting the 90 mark. He often fell down upon releasing the ball. Only once in his career did he bowl a no-ball, not because he overstepped, but because he delivered it from outside the 30-yard circle, violating fielding restrictions.

+ As a batsman, his stance was side-on, he often charged down the track, and just as often let the bat slip and fly over the bowler. Needless to say, he tried to hit every ball for a six. This usually resulted in him getting out first ball, but he liked to say that "if you're out there to make a duck, might as well make it golden."

+ Outside cricket, his favourite dressing-room activity was darts. Favourite video game, Angry Birds. Favourite song, Paper Planes. Favourite movies, American Sniper and Million Dollar Arm. He had a girlfriend, long-distance. He told his coach that his apartment was "literally a stone's throw" from where the coach lived;  they lived two blocks apart.

+ His favourite cricketers were Javed Miandad and Chris Lynn.

+ Once he was made the stand-in captain. At the toss he misunderstood the term and flung the coin out of the stadium.

+ At the end of every match he used to take a stump as souvenir. Even when his team lost. 

Symmatrix

Inspired by the classics

சி   வா ஜி
வா யி  லே
ஜி  லே பி

and 

க ர டி
ர யி ல்
டி ல் லி,

I added these to the Tamil wiktionary -- 

----------

Old out, new in.

ம  ர  பு
ர  த்  து
பு து மை

---------

Reaction on learning about the Hindustani raga "gara".

ஓ! க ரா
க  ம க
ரா க மோ?

---------

Achoo!

தூ சு வே
சு    த் த
வே த னை

----------

A political statement?

ம   னி   த
னி  ல்   லை
த   லை வி

-----------

Prescription to learn Tamil.

ப  ழ  கு
ழ  க  ர
கு  ர லை

Forked Flicks

The missus and I noticed that movie titles in Tamil and English reflect each other. Often in a well-polished mirror --

Azhagi : Pretty Woman,

Mugamoodi : The Mask,

Aaranya Kaandam : Animal Kingdom (both out in 2010),

Minsaara Kanavu : Electric Dreams,

Arangetra Velai : Showtime,

but just as often in one slightly cracked --

Mudhalvan : First Man,

Alaipayudhe : Surf's Up,

Apoorva Raagangal : Looney Tunes,

Irandaam Ulagam : Another Earth,

Iruvar : Duel,

Gouravam : The Prestige,

Moodar Koodam : Idiocracy,

Naan Ee : A Bug's Life,

Vishwaroopam : Avatar,

Kaatru Veliyidai : Up in the Air.

And then in funhouse mirrors --

Thambikku Endha Ooru : O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Kizhakke Pogum Rayil : (Murder on) the Orient Express,

Papanasam : Sin City,

Naduvula Konjam Pakkattha Kaanom : The Notebook,

24 : 42 Up,

Vietnam Veedu : The Fight Club,

Kalyana Samayal Saadham : Eat Pray Love,

Kalki : Rocky,

Kaakaa Muttai : One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. 

(a better pairing would've been Kuyil Muttai : One Flew Over the Crow's Nest).

We also note that Pesum Padam never talks whereas The Silent Movie has a single word of dialogue, and that while The Sixth Sense did precede Ezhaam Arivu, Catch Me If You Can must be a prequel to Unnaal Mudiyum Thambi. Vaayai Moodi Pesavum and Eyes Wide Shut must be a double feature. Kaadhalikka Neramillai and No Time to Die are unified by Bharathi's appeal: "Kaadhal poyin saadhal". 

Double Couple

A shy cry is a meek shriek, and a fast mast is a quick stick. Then again, a rum bum is a queer rear. If to dine fine is to eat neat, then to feign pain is to fake ache. A tight fight is a stiff tiff -- different from a bright fight, which is a flashing clashing. Whereas a wide stride in a straight gait makes a racing pacing, a rose nose can detect a pink stink. 

------

[h/t to Sriram for the title.]