'December Ain't a Cruise,' said Tom Narcissistically

And so, after a gruelling fortnight of checking signal stabilities, outputting C fragments, spotting unpainted surfaces on broken cubes, pointing out the liar among Amit, Balu and Chandru, measuring angles between clock hands, witnessing pairs of trains meet and counting the ones who played hockey AND football but NOT cricket, they bundled me off with an offer to work for the last place I wanted, a bank. Relief was the chief emotion as I packed my bags. For with every passing day I was feeling more and more like the nubile maiden who gets rejected by prospective groom after prospective groom visiting the house for 'girl-looking'. My interview was a smooth speed-dating session except for two moments of alarm -- one, when the two-membered panel asked me if I would like to have a cup of tea and I froze in indecision, and two, when I stretched my legs under the table and touched one of theirs. Even now I haven't the foggiest idea why both of them looked down.

Time at home was a ten day-long siesta ending in a school chums' reunion at Satyam in the course of which I was handed three back-to-back embarrassments. It is a habit of mine to pretend to open elevator doors using my bare strength (picture feet spread, face contorted, etc). I did the same at Satyam from outside the lift, only that at the exact moment I put my hands in the middle of the metal doors and simulated pulling them apart, the lift opened. Eight people inside stared at me in blank astonishment, the words 'Are you OK, son?' written all over their eyebrows. I turned and laughed with my pals, and walked toward the lift with my back to it, only to bump into the doors which had closed by then. And when I finally managed to enter, I asked a man, 'Is it going up?' His reply: 'This is the top floor'.

I began Semester Eight on the wrong foot, contracting as I did a conflicting combination of ailments -- fever and dysentery. [And why should the two be conflicting? 1) When the fever was on the rise and I had coffee to counter it, my stomach was raked and the diarrhoea peaked. 2) I couldn't suppress the latter with juices or lassi or curd rice thanks to the fever. 3) Since I frequented the loo round the clock, I was in constant touch with tap water, which didn't help my temperature.] It was an expected outcome of my deed the night before re-opening day, namely, ordering everything that perfect strangers munched in front of my eyes at a restaurant and packing my tum to twice its capacity. Hence my twin resolution for 2009: (i) Drive away when the tank gets full. (ii) Chew each bite 32 times before swallowing. (ii) leads to (i).

Some Tom Swifties [Examples from Net: “I’ve been waiting to see the doctor,” said Tom patiently; “Damn it, look at the camera!” Tom snapped; “I’m going window shopping,” said Tom listlessly; “Absolutely, totally, completely,” Tom uttered; "Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously] that I came up with today:

~ 'There's a li'l bulb in my pacemaker, you know,' Tom said lightheartedly.

~ 'WHAT. COMES. BET. WEEN. KAY. AND. EM?' Tom yelled.

~ 'I'll fix a quick coffee for you,' Tom replied instantly.

~ 'I was brought up like a guy,' she told Tom boyishly. (tomboyishly)

~ 'I'm tired of travelling back and forth,' Tom replied. [courtesy: Sriram, EP]

~ 'Our bid was rejected,' they said tenderly.

~ 'This time the taxes are gonna be heavy,' we were told.

~ 'I'll do the grading myself,' said an irate Tom.

~ 'I shall now announce every word thrice,' Tom tom-tommed.

~ 'Let's put them into bat now and bowl them out,' Tom declared.

~ 'I ought to make a new friend,' said Tom formally.

~ 'You mean, Harper Lee can't kill a bird?' said Tom mockingly.

~ 'I had taken pi as 3.14,' Tom rationalised. 'That is how I got a round total,' he added.

~ 'It's that time of the month,' she whispered.

8 Obiter dicta:

Blogger Vettri couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

I got lost when that Tom part came... didn't get, whatever it is. But the first half was as usual funny. And guess you had a nice time during this sem opening. Wish u dont miss that for a long time.

9:10 PM  
Blogger unni krishnan couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

I am sure you can guess what must have caught my attention wink-wink.

10:38 PM  
Blogger Ram couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

man i cant imagine how embarrassing it would have been when your legs touched the interviewer's and most of all when he looked down... rotfl!!!

10:51 PM  
Blogger Saucerer couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

The first interviewer looked down because you touched his leg, the second looked down at his crotch.

11:30 AM  
Blogger N couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

Thanks for the concern but I was cured on New Year's Day.
Ram and Amrut,
One of them was a woman.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Durga couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

Happy new year! Hope this year is more 'interesting' for you and you continue to more frequently entertain us ;)
Let me contribute to your Tom Swifties. Here is what Tom would have said about Marlin Jar:
This fan of 'Black adder' gets 'back red lad' , Tom comments colourfully.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Saucerer couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

Then i am sure the woman looked down at her crotch and you were feeling up the guy :D

11:41 AM  
Blogger pratyu couldn't resist being opinionated thus:

".. cup of Tea.." LOL

I didn't get a few of the tom swifties, especially the one in red, but the rest were, typical of you, creative. ;)


11:01 PM  

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